my sister...need advice

Sorry to vent once again but I am in a hard place right now that I don't know if I even understand. My sister is pregnant...due any day now and she has had some serious struggles (which have made me so worried about her.)
I have felt so jealous of her too...she is healthy..skinny...and pregnant with a little boy. I feel pathetic and alone. It is so hard that her and my mom can talk about what is about to happen but I can't include myself because..."it won't ever happen to me."
She wants me to be there for the birth since "i probably won't ever get to experience it myself." (her words) I know she means well and that she loves me but I don't think anyone could know how difficult this has been for me. How can I say that I can't come in when she has the baby when she wants me to so badly...she said that she needs my support. Emotionally I don't know if I can handle it though. Any advice? It has been a bad day for me today and I have felt like crying...
It is like I cannot focus on what I have right now and I only focus on what I don't have. I hate feeling this way...it is awful. It makes me feel like I am ungrateful! But i'm not... I am so grateful for my husband and daughter we were blessed to adopt. I'm just in a place where normally (if we could get pregnant we would be pregnant now again since our daughter is 1 1/2) but we don't know what our next step is... adoption again? Invitro? or an only child? I want to enjoy every minute with my daughter...and I feel as though I am but I want a clear mind and I can't have one right now with the situation of my sister....I feel so down any advice?

reflecting

I just got back from spending 10 days with my husbands family and my family for part of the time.
As I was surrounded by those I love more then I can put into words and I was outdoors which is so relaxing to me... I reflected a lot about life. How can we endure our pains of infertility? It is such a lonely situation.
I have been in such a low about it for years I wondered how I could keep going when I felt so depressed and worthless.
How have you conquered your trials with infertility? I'm trying to be strong but it has been hard.
I know we aren't alone and don't forget that you are never alone!

Spiritual thoughts for Sunday! :)

I want to say that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints. Also known as Mormon. This post is one that I hope will not offend anyone. It has just helped me through through some very dark days. I respect all people and know they have a right to believe what they want and I hope I can get the same respect.

I love in ECCLESIASTES chapter 3 it says...

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I love this because it tells me that it is ok that I break down....it is ok that I have times that I cry and hate... It is ok to be human. Sometimes I feel like I have to be stronger then I really am. I'm learning that it is all a process and that I can get through it if I am hopeful enough, have faith and patience.
There is a time to heal and I have hope that will come in time. I have had healing before regarding my infertility and I know it will never go away. It will always be a part of me. I hope that I can heal more so I can really feel confident again. So I can feel good about myself and who I am... Be comfortable in my own shoes.

I also love in Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
It is so comforting to know that Jesus Christ lives and loves us! It is so overwhelming to know that he took our sins upon himself and not just our sins but our sorrows and sicknesses. I'm sad that I made him suffer... I wish I could take that from him... but I know he did this because he loves us all... he wants us to have rest in our trials, burdens. I love him and know he loves us!

You are never alone!! Don't forget that and don't lose hope!

Finding Hope in hard times can be difficult. Pick yourself up, hang on an don't give up!
Your dreams can come true if you believe in them! Don't think that just because life didn't go exactly how you thought it would that it is too late. I used to think it was too late but looking back now... with my daughter we were blessed to adopt...just because she doesn't have my genetics doesn't mean she doesn't have my heart! Every part of her is amazing... she was sent to be an angel to me. She is more then what I ever wanted in children.
Wherever your journey takes you...You are not alone!

When I first was diagnosed with my condition I was surrounded by my mom, sister and best friend. They wanted to comfort me but I felt so down I didn't want to be even touched. I was young and my heart had broken.
It is a memory I wish I could forget....not one of my proudest moments that is for sure. I just felt awful! I felt like that is when My self esteem went down hill.
How do you rebuild your self esteem? Your self image? How do you see yourself as something important and special? Someone with worth?
These are answers I am trying to find for myself right now. It is like I am rediscovering who I really am. It is a hard journey.
I wish there was a kinder word then infertility. I hate that word. It sounds degrading. It has been so hard to accept.
Thanks for listening and being there. I hope you know you aren't ever alone!

hard days...

How do you cope on the hard days? On the feeling sorry for yourself days?
I have had a lot of those lately and I'm trying to getting out of the rut. Any suggestions.
I've been:

Praying (a lot!)
talking with my family and friends
exercising
reading
trying to stay busy on anything so i don't sit and think about my problems.

THanks for any imput you can offer :)

Remember You are not alone!!!

tribute to my friend

One of my close friends recently shared her struggle of pregnancy loss. My heart broke for her as I heard her tell of her miscarriages and the lonely feelings she had. I was happy I could relate on some level but felt awful I couldn't fully understand. I wanted to take that from her i hurt so much but only told her I loved her and I was sorry for her loss. I told her I would pray and not to lose hope. I found strength from her and as I listened I was amazed at her growth in just a few months. I guess our trials are really there to help us grow and become someone.
I know mine have molded me into an empathic person.
My friend is still not pregnant but she isn't losing hope! We can't lose hope...we can get through this.
You are not alone!!

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. ~George Iles

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

My story

It started 13 years ago when I went into the doctors office as I was not having a period and was told I had a devastating condition called Premature Ovarian Failure. ( www.pofsupport.org ) I was 16 years old and was being told that I was in premature menopause. I was experiencing hot flashes and cold sweats and felt just awful. The doctors also said that I had an auto immune disease and that my body was attacking itself and it had killed all the eggs I had in my ovaries. Since woman are born with all the eggs they will have I was never going to be able to have children.
At this time devastation and depression overtook me and I have never been the same.
Growing up in Utah in a community where family is so important I felt as though I didn't fit in and belong. I felt like I had let my future husband and family down yet I never met them. Slowly I'm learning that I have a place and I can help others see theirs too.
I have been married almost 10 years and just last year my wonderful husband and I received the miracle of adopting our daughter. She is priceless and seriously our miracle. She has been joy to us and joy we were starting to not feel at all. We have struggled with the birthmother and she wants more of an open adoption then we are comfortable with. She really overstepped boundaries and made us extremely uncomfortable. She has talked bad behind our backs and has said horrible things about and to us. It is almost as though we are finally blessed to become parents through adoption and then we aren't quite parents. she wants us to be the caregivers or guardians and then come in and be a part of every special occasion. Occasions we have waited and wanted for a long time. Truth is their has been zero respect from her side including her family and we have had to bite our tongues a lot and pray and hope that she can accept what we are comfortable with. It has been hard now as our daughter is going on 3 and a half years old. If we don't give into her we are the jerks and then she says horrible things when in reality she doesn't even know us. It has been devastatingly hard and this has taught us how to be more patient,grateful for our daughter, and how to learn forgiveness. We are adopting again hopefully in soon in the future but hopefully with a more healthy outcome.
Do you ever say to yourselves, "Why do I seem to attract all the trials?" I have said that before...it is like no matter what I do or how hard I try life just throws sour, sour lemons at me. (We finally adopt and yet their is drama after drama with the birthmother) But being hopeful is not easy and is not intended to be. We just hang in there and learn what we can from what trials come our way.

For me hope has come through seeing the little and big miracles of every day life. The fact of the matter is Life is a Journey and not a race. When you slow down and observe the little things you do have the miracles seem to stand out and you see the positive even amidst trials.

Have you ever heard someone say,"when you are struggling with a problem...try to help others and your problems will go away." ?? My mom used to say that to me all the time. She is one of my heroes and That is my goal with this blog...to do just that! To help YOU! To help YOU know you are not alone and to hear your stories.
So what is your story? How has infertility affected you? How do you find hope in the Journey of life? We want to know...send an e-mail to foreverfullofhope@gmail.com and I will post your story. Include pictures in you want. :)

For me I don't know anyone that doesn't need support in their trials. I know I do.
Be strong and know you aren't alone.

Starting this blog....

I am starting this blog because I am a survivor! More then likely you are too....Life is hard at times and sometimes it is nice to know that you are not alone. This blog is intended to be for those couples who have struggled with infertility, child loss or miscarriage. You are not alone. Whether your family has come from a successful pregnancy, adoption or still hasn't come you can have hope that things will work out.
I consider myself a positive person... I like to help people and so my goal in this blog is to bring hope to other couples and families that have been through what I have. Whatever your circumstance is others do know how you feel.
I remain annonyomous for the privacy of my family and adopted children.

Remember you are never alone!